With heavy heart and feet lugging along like two blocks of lead on the walk to school this morning, I asked myself, What in the world am I doing? My oldest son, Jackson, had a particularly hard time saying goodbye this morning. I was late as usual, and my heart broke as I had to shut the door on a child who was fighting back tears over his own mother. As if being a performing artist wasn't enough for my kids already, I had to go and sign myself up for school. Good going, Min! Sometimes I wonder if my "above and beyond" attitude is a psychological reaction to getting married so young. Am I overcompensating for things I thought I would miss out on? Am I running from something? Is staying insanely busy a way to avoid deeper seeded issues in my life? Maybe I just have a healthy appetite for learning. I have been trying to get to the root of it all day long.
Jackson's final request this morning was to go on a date with me tonight. There is nothing I could have wanted more. We dined at Magelby's Fresh. I ordered my favorite - the halibut. Jackson ordered chocolate cake. No more, no less. He acted like a perfect gentleman, offering me a bite of his cake and chatting with me about life as an eight-year-old. Things have been improving for him at school, which is such a relief to me.
About halfway into dinner, I asked him how he felt about me being a singer.
"I love it!" he said enthusiastically. I was surprised by his support.
"What about when I have to go away?" I queried.
"That's the best part!" he responded with chocolate crumbs all over his face, "except for when you're gone too long, like when you went to New York."
"What? That was only for two days! What about when I went to Monaco for a week? Remember? When Thatcher broke his leg?"
"Oh yeah, that was awesome! He deserved it. He was chasing me down the stairs," he explained in his defense. Kids will be kids.
I have always felt that being a singer songwriter is something I was meant to be. I can't shake it from my system. I don't want to shake it from my system. I have felt God's support in continuing on this path. And in spite of some difficult times, I feel my family's sincere support. But I have also always known that my life would not look like everyone else's. And whose life does anyway? I have to figure out creative ways to make it work. Sometimes I make poor choices. I hope I can learn from those and not be too hard on myself.
I overheard two friends talking the other day. One said to the other, "I'd like to take back those things I said yesterday, " to which the other replied, "I'd like to take the things back that I said too. But we don't get to take them back. We only get to forgive each other."
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Beautiful and insightful. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteOh Mindy! I feel like I should pull up a chair and come chat with you! I have had many of the same thoughts and feelings as you. I too married young (19) and played the supportive role while my husband went to school- all the way through to his M.B.A. A few years ago, I started feeling the promptings that it was my turn to get an education. My youngest was 3 at the time- and I struggled with wanting to be home and 'just' be a mom. To ease into things, I decided to start with a class in the morning or in the evening so that I could be home during the day with my little guy- as I had been with my other two children. It has worked out great- except that there are times (usually around test time- and finals, oh my!) that I get a little stressed and not so pleasant to be around. I think, 'why am I doing this to myself?' and then I find myself signing up for another semester. :) There are still days, like last night, when I missed out on my husband MC-ing and my daughter cheering at her high school's pep rally, that I think- is it worth it? There are definitely things that I am missing out on- and sometimes it is really hard. But I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing right now. We just have to give ourselves some credit for doing the best that we can to be a good mom and a good student- along with all the other hats that we wear. I just wanted you to know that I understand and sympathize with you. Hang in there! Everything is going to be ok. (That's what I tell myself every day). Sorry for the novel.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's a Winkel girl thing. I don't know. I feel the same way, but I got married super young too. I'm always making myself super busy...school, work, volunteer, whatever it is. We just gotta make sure we don't take it out on our kiddos because they matter more than us now, at least I think so.
ReplyDeleteLoved your post! Love listening to your introspection! And your thoughts on school! I've been thinking about going back for a long time. It is getting close! I love dates with my kids too! And I have an eight year old! their perspectives are so interesting!
ReplyDeletesweet post, mindy! and great idea, jackson (getting momma on a date=))! so glad you are a singer/song writer, mindy. your voice and words have beautifully touched my life (and i know so many others).
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